I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
