Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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