I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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