Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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