The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Is it penis luge time yet?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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