I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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