I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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