The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
