I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
