P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
