All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
