I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
as a side note pls kill me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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