New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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