Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
