I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just found a bag of teeth...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
