Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
