Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
