I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just google imaged poop.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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