The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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