you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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