Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
