I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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