At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
