From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
