Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
