On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My vagina just clenched in fear
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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