No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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