I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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