You just made me feel so damn special
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
