I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
