so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
