it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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