Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This is the high leading the old right now
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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