There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
