i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
