Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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