smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
