Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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