fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
