I think I died a long time ago.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
