Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
