Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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