It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
