It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
