Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
