"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
