my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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