I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize