I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
