I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
