she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
