so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize