I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My ass is underappreciated
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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