im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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