I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
